it’s been a really, really long time since i’ve written anything in here. mostly because i don’t have a lot to say. i’ve been buried in college and sometimes i just don’t think i have anything interesting to say to make people read my posts. complaining about being busy/slammed with school wasn’t high on my priorities of stuff i’d want on my blog, it’s not really something i’d wanna do. but lately it’s been worse than ever and i just am failing in all aspects of my life because of stress. i’m spending so much time on homework that i’m having a hard time doing anything else, especially the things i enjoy. it feels as if my soul is being bled dry, and stress is making it hard to sleep or retain memory or really feel like i’m able to breathe.
and now on top of that, i’m starting to get nervous about my living situation. i’m a college student again, so i don’t really have much of an income, and i can’t live on my own like i used to. i don’t really have anyone i can live with, except my mum. and she’s been getting worse and worse. she has bipolar disorder and for the most part she self-medicates with pot but lately she’s been getting more and more agitated, and this is a pattern that always ends in her doing something self-destructive to herself and everyone around her. she’ll end up under psych evaluation or fired from her job, or in prison or getting into ridiculous car accidents, and i just don’t need this right now. i don’t need to worry that in a week or two no one will be paying the bills because she’ll be out of a job or something. that i’ll end up homeless again. i just want to focus on finishing college and getting this over with in the next year without having to worry one of my parents are so selfish that they upheave my life again - something they have been doing back and forth since before i was even born.
i hate that it’s too much to ask to live quietly for one year straight, not to have to worry that i won’t have anything to eat in the future because my parents can’t keep it together. to have to move cross country again because i don’t have anywhere else to go. i’m tired of having no one to help, nowhere to go, and nothing to count on because of them. ever since i was a little kid, i used to look at other kids and their parents and cry wondering if their parents would have given a shit about me if i was their kid, and if that’s not the most depressing thought i don’t know what is. i don’t even know why i’m writing all this. i’m just sick to death of these problems affecting my life. i don’t have anyone to talk to, and i’m tired of keeping it to myself because i know that people don’t really want to hear it. so i had to write it down somewhere. i’m really not okay, but i wish i was.